transform your

communication
from within

an embodied communication methodology

Most problems in life are
communication problems.

Communication is the cornerstone of a fulfilling life:

yet, many of us struggle to express ourselves with confidence and connect authentically with others. Despite years of dedication to self-development, maybe you feel stuck, disconnected, insecure, and perpetually frustrated by your communication skills.

You know what you want to say, yet struggle finding the words.
You want to be strong in your boundaries, but fold in confrontation.

You struggle to stay composed, and find yourself flustered emotionally.

Within The Spec Method, I advocate for holistic communication skills to bridge the gap between WHO you are and HOW you communicate - in this methodology, introspection is the key.

The way I coach is focused on nurturing your inner voice as a guiding light toward clear, effective communication!

Spec is a root word, meaning "to look, see"

About Rachel

What is The Spec Method?

Meet Amelia

The Spec Method is a holistic approach to communication for mindful professionals who are looking to cultivate genuine, impactful ways of conveying themselves. It is a strategic combination of mindfulness and introspection used to develop positive inner dialogue, shift perspectives, and discover how you best communicate. It's not about fixing anything, but tapping into the treasure trove of self-awareness already available to you.

Why Naturopathy

How does it work?

Emotional Regulation

Master the ability to stay calm, present, and in control of your emotions during conversations.
❈ Learn techniques to prevent emotional disruption.
❈ Navigate tough conversations without shutting down or reacting impulsively.
❈ Cultivate inner stability so your words come from clarity, not overwhelm.

Intuitive Attunement

Strengthen your self-trust and ability to communicate in a way that feels aligned.
❈ Tune into your inner voice instead of outsourcing your confidence.
❈ Learn to read the energy of a conversation and respond with ease and flow.
❈ Express yourself honestly —without over-calculating or second-guessing.

Mental Clarity

Shift from overthinking and self-doubt to clear, confident communication.
❈ Reframe limiting beliefs that cloud your expression.
❈ Learn how to detach from fear-based narratives.
❈ Develop a clear, structured approach to expressing your thoughts.

Integration & Role-Playing

Practice and embody your new communication skills in real time.
❈ Role-play real-life scenarios to build confidence and muscle memory.
❈ Test out different ways of responding in a safe, supportive space.
❈ Leave with actionable strategies you can use immediately.

Explore programs and start your embodied communication journey today.

Explore Programs

What others are saying

I have had the opportunity to work with Rachel, and she has been nothing short of extraordinary! She has a way of assessing your needs and then crafting the perfect strategy to meet and exceed all expectations.

Calvin L.

CEO | Speaker

trying my hand at carousels instead of long droning captions. let me know what you think!

thank you to everyone in these pictures, and everyone that I've connected with over the years from all walks of life.

i'm constantly reminded of my purpose through you.

how do I keep a dream alive that's bigger than my environment?

by noticing when I am holding on to safety. eventually stepping out, i put my nose to the air in defiance of my own fear and (often) tumble forward. for it is me against me, as always.

entrepreneurship has been a treacherous teacher. an initiation of sorts.
how can I teach what I am still learning?
when I still fail so much?
it is because I teach from where I'm at, and I broaden, broaden, broaden.

I don't promise anyone I am the master of communication. what I am the master of is living with myself, day in and day out, in the isolation of my mind and inner life. i am neither fighting nor faking. i am being and becoming. i am resting but not stagnant. I am not ashes anymore, but still playing in them, letting lifes experiences sculpt through contrast and tension. it's not perfect.
it's not pretty (though i do actually feel more sensual)

and it is in these little nuances that I can lean on myself to be there for me, championed by my heart, mind, and intuitive connection.

noticing noticing noticing.

releasing, holding, standing up straighter.

i bring myself to life. to others. to receive. to recover. to give. to contribute. to make someone smile. to encourage. to make manifest freshness.

and internally I say,
"i can do this"
"I can have this"
"i can give this wholly"
"i can receive this unabashedly"
"i have so much more in me to discover"

and another step is taken...recognizing that what is in store for me about my dreams, will always be in my path, should I keep stepping.

traveling has never been about the sights or the scenery for me; it has always been about the people I meet and the subtle breadcrumbs the universe scatters along my path.

I am constantly in awe of the sheer number of meaningful conversations that unfold in my daily life—conversations that are rich, deep, nourishing, and dynamic. it's what makes me excited to wake up in the morning... if I'm being honest

I wish I could adequately capture the beauty of the people I’ve met. both locals and travelers have nourished me.
they are reminding me of why im here - what makes traveling special is not what I define alone but what is co created with those I meet.

the wise, lovely German women whose laughter is so gentle and infectious, giggling about me doing a German accent impression.
the ADHD British man I’m currently sharing a room with, who spent an entire afternoon with me discussing science fiction, politics, relationships, and what makes a good human.
the Cuban man who left everything behind, immigrated to Peru, and, by sheer happenstance, walked into the restaurant where he now works—two years ago, with no idea of what lay ahead...

and through it all, life keeps turning... they leave, I leave, the connection dissipates... but I try to not forget that that's what makes it all meaningful.

the whimsical aligning moments, weaving people and lessons into the fabric of our fates with perfect timing.

step by step.

so if I could offer just one encouragement, it would be this:

the world is full of extraordinary people, and connection is *always* available and waiting.

open.

i am constantly reminded that it's extremely difficult and rare to be authentic in communication. i don't think I've ever met someone (including myself) who doesn't communicate through filters, emotional monitoring, and a level of self-preservation/preservation of the relationship. which is lovely.

and I notice that when I do truly speak authentically - as in I don't filter myself, very often hell breaks lose and I have to navigate how I've hurt and disrupted someone.
I have found that true authenticity in someone else will likely trigger something in those that person engages with. so maybe it's fair to say it's actually not in our best interest (as social and community oriented beings) to be our raw, messy, kicking and screaming selves? idk, just an idea.

what i can do is be myself - which will include living through and acting through my values habitually. i tend to think authenticity is in direct opposition of my other values, like harmony, understanding, and peace.

and if I want to find a happy medium, where I can be myself, and get close to authenticity in some of my relationships (because I find out quickly who can handle how I can be a challenging person) I need to be honest with myself about my intent.

for me that boils down to this:
did I say something to hurt, devalue or be malicious? if yes, I have abused the power of my voice. i have used it to damage a relationship under the guise and proclamation of authenticity. i actually find a lot of relational abuse comes in the form of this excuse - "I'm just being honest. I'm just speaking my truth. I'm just blah blah blah."

if no, then there's always potential and a reality to come into closer contact with who both people truly are.

i find myself asking...can we actually accept the ugliness of authenticity in order to receive the beauty of someone's actual truth?

hoping for debate on this topic - what is your experience? do you face the same dilemmas?

episode 2 is live ✨✨✨

i could go on and on about how wonderful Sal is - we connected about 3 years ago when I was in the van in California, and then didn't speak for about 2.5 years. we reconnected over the summer and i went to Peru just to host him on my podcast!

jk. but he is a big deal like that :)

i have always struggled with the "work" part of breathwork, but after listening to Sal talk about it, I have been able to incorporate some of the main principles, and have seen benefits immediately!

I'll let you listen to the podcast to find out what I mean ☺️

💨💨💨 don't sleep on connecting with @libertibreathwork and experiencing the magic of breathwork for yourself!

episode link in my bio 🦋

one of my biggest lessons in life is to learn to respect men.

i didn't have a good relationship with my father. he used to tell me i was a problem, a burden to the family, and used to get in my face a LOT when I was very little. I grew up completely unsure of how to relate to men... i made myself small and meek.
and I learned from my environment (high school mostly) that men were something I either had the attention of or I didn't.

it was an exceptionally limited perspective of them, and it damaged my relationships to them and to myself for a long time.

as I've matured, I've been so lucky to have developed a healthy respect for how beautiful and dynamic men are. how they are providers, protectors, creative, and reflective in their own way. and to step away with grace from interactions with them that don't serve me or feel unsafe.

it MY responsibility to create safety.

so much of my own work on myself has been to nurture the masculine in myself - to respect the structured do-er and protector in order to fully embrace the chaotic and expansive feminine in me.

and doing this has helped me not be afraid of them.
helped me be a better advocate for men's mental wellness.
and hold my own personal experiences with pain and hurt from my toxic romantic relationships without demonizing the population.

my main takeaway:
it balances me to respect men.
to celebrate who THEY are, not fix or change them.
and I reap the rewards of experiencing the best of the men in my life. whether that's a beautiful friendship, intense tryst, or one night of epic dancing where I feel held, sexy, appreciated, respected, and happy.

to celebrate them for their uniqueness - the beautiful additions and vibrancy they bring to my life.

i can't say enough about how important it is to build up men, and prioritize reciprocity 🤍

let's talk about flow and stability -

one of the strange paradoxes of life is that there is more stability when there's more space. or maybe I'll say just the right amount of space. think about standing with your legs super close together and then a wind blows you and you might fall over. but think about having a strong grounded stance wind blows and you're probably going to be able to handle it. same thing with communication - you need your pillars, and you need there to be space in between them for the rest of the nuances of communication to pass through. this is where flexibility and adaptability are so important as concepts when it comes to communication. there is flow, there is nuance, and there is unpredictability in what the other person is going to do, and so there needs to be space for them. everyone inside of a communication needs to have their own experience, and if one person is too rigid in theirs, it cuts off the free flow that's so special to good conversations ✨

Wherever you go, never forget how strong you are.

Tomorrow's the day! ✨✨✨

The Spec Method Podcast drops on all major platforms, bringing you a fresh and more dynamic perspective on communication, introspection, and how we relate to each other.

Through bite-sized insights, in-depth conversations, and some personal reflections, I'll be digging into the tools and topics to help us all express ourselves and coexist with others with some more damn fun.

Share with someone who might like these conversations and let me know more topics to host! 🙏🏻

the drunk bestie chatgpt challenge was a hoot and made me really laugh and appreciate using technology for something silly and not looking up explanations of and uses for nanotechnology...

it makes me reflect on something ive been digging into for a LONG time:

what if we really really really really believed in ourselves? our self worth issues eradicated? what if I had said all of this about myself instead of a robot? the fact is that I didn't - and all the self work and healing effort is to get closer and closer to being able to - isn't it?

and just suppose i got what I wanted.

what if I felt completely seen, heard, loved exactly as I wanted to be? what if there was no more doubt and confusion? what if I didn't have to work to feel this way and do all the things that it could change about my life to feel this way about myself?

truthfully, I don't know how to stop and i don't know if i want to.

bliss and escapism is not my answer.
it might be someone else's, but it is not mine. give me the dirty gruesome dark insides.
let me wade through the trenches and slosh around in everything I am.

i am a seeker, the thrill of my life comes from turning over rocks and finding little bits of myself in everyone I meet, everywhere I go, everything I do that teaches me more of my own radiance.

I don't want this quick hit of dopamine in the long run. I don't think most of us actually want that.

i think we want to have access to the depths of ourselves, weather the storms with competency, and stop outsourcing the things that make us so damn incredible as a species.

but I'm okay being wrong.

this is more or less exactly what my sci fi book is about 👀

it's true...I am "better" at my life when I am alone. I have a lot of ambitions, one of them has always been simply to live on my own terms. for a while, my deep need for Independence had kept me from others - not necessarily physically but mentally and emotionally. over time I felt myself moving into interdependence, developing my values of love and community with others, but i found myself (and still do) in romantic connection with others very often at the expense of my own inner work, self-respect, and i giving more than I have in order to receive the unique cocktail of chemicals that comes from another. despite the narrative of loving myself and being whole before I find genuine romantic love with another, I don't think it's possible to replace or duplicate the love of another with self-love. it will never feel the same and it's not useful to expect that space to be filled by self care. the difference is what creates that beautiful and often devastating tension that moves us to even try to be in relationships at all. the thrill, the attachment style, the chemicals, whatever - be damned with the labels sometimes.
I don't want to live in a world that the mystery and tension of love with another isn't present. I don't want to eradicate it. i want to be careful to never wish my pain away but to use it as an opportunity to understand: there is a deep in irrevocable deliciousness to the way we are hardwired to desire, care, and balance each other. everything in nature is dual and often paradoxical. it needs nourishment, and it also needs stress to grow behind its current state. and I believe that's exactly what is so great and so difficult about love. it is a choice to stay open.
i don't want to live life without it. the whole of it.

have been inspired by a lot of women doing massive amounts of work to own their lives.

through body acceptance, choosing to have families, choosing to not have families, traveling alone, making bigger business moves, etc.

I really didn't know if I should post this. it's the Internet, it's my body, im stressing about what Im wearing, and I realize that's the exact thing I want to push through. personally. everyone is on their own thing.

i am fighting against the internal rhetoric that wants me to over explain myself, that shows up in every single area of my life and holds me back. im still working on this, every day.

here's to shaking the shackles off.

writing, speaking, dancing, painting...all forms of creativity are the end of the line for what was once fully and irrecoverably internal. how magnificent is that!?

bringing the inner voice to light is my form of creativity.

either through writing, questions, telling jokes, or simply sharing my thoughts...I do find it to be an art.

because my fantastic analytical mind will not deign to exist quietly while there is an entire universe inside of me.

sometimes clawing at me to be in the open. i used to be a victim to my mind. my analysis. my large emotions and my limited understanding of them.

my inner demons came in scary forms.

the "communication" part I taught myself, and I attempt to teach others, is where grace, ease, and elegance can take those demons and turn them into something beautiful.
that everyone can relate to instead of something that scares them...scares me.

what I want to contribute in life is faith -- faith in yourself that those deep and secret inner voices are not a scary mystery to you but something that makes you feel powerful. sexy.

that beautiful dark is where it all begins and ends.

absolutely fell in love with Miraflores 🇵🇪

sooo here's something I've been noodling on:
I am going out of my way to be open to life. I am open to life even when it breaks my heart, when I mess up when I fell flat on my face, as I want to crawl under a rock. I am passionate about living, because if I wasn't passionate about living I would have ceased a long time ago. I have battled anxiety and depression, and an onslaught of suicidal ideation for most of my life. and now at 33, I feel I have earned the openness that I have to life. the street smarts that comes from wandering around in my own darkness unsure if I'll ever get out. and I want others to see that it's okay to have an inner darkness, and learn to take their experiences and make themselves strong from them. because we have all. I am not the only one who has battled this. and that is ultimately what makes me feel connected to others. I relate to the soul. I relate to the pain of experiencing hardship. I relate to the frailty of a broken heart. I relate to the longing and the inquenchable desire to not be alone.
It surpasses all language, all limiting beliefs, all culture and tradition, and pinpoints directly to what makes us human, and what makes being human beautiful.

i am being REVIVED by Lima.

i had no plan and still don't.
i only knew it was a yes and that I was safe enough to follow through with the idea.
my friend @wild_nat.ure saying yes and being a true collaborator.
my friend @libertibreathwork rooting for me and keeping the encouragement high to make these big changes.

everyone around me saying YES YES YES to everything I've wanted to do.

i have wanted to get through my victim mentality the past few years - I have wanted to deeply let go of the story I couldn't make true friends, I couldn't change my environment, I couldn't get a grip on my life. and I have watched this old inner life, old energy, be dissolved from me day by day. while i have grieved the old life, I was ready for this rejuvenation. and as I listen to my inner saboteur try so desperately to make a case for my sadness, I really feel for her - she really didn't feel like her life was her own, and she would rather go down with the ship than make different decisions.
she didn't want to do the work to take better care of her body, the home for her soul, and nourish everything that came from it. she said it wasn't possible.

it has been a LOT of work to prove myself wrong about myself. but that's where I'm at now and the energy I'm choosing to begin and end my day with. making peace inside of my true home.

i just can't help but think, if I could make all this happen...what else am I capable of?

im nauseated by the obsession of sterilizing emotions in our communication.

because of other people's inability to handle difficult emotions. or even because we ourselves can't handle our difficult emotions. or because we're not going to say something unless it comes out right. or we don't want to be xyz thing.

when I say emotionally regulate, I don't mean eradicate them. i don't mean suppress. i say pay attention, i say evaluate, i say pause and take note...

but great communication isn't absent of emotions.

great communication is a clear articulation and expression of the inner experience, whatever that is.

the more I work on authentic communication myself, I say fuck it to making it more palatable 100% of the time. it is a subtle way i have given my power away, my voice away, to people who don't want to hear what i have to say.
i get that....and I also feel that great communication is clear and true and gets straight to the fucking heart of things. and we KNOW this when we do it or when we hear someone else do it.

"i wish I could just SAY it straight like that."

the beauty of humans, and our ridiculously inadequate tool of language, is that it's fullllll of paradoxes. and it's our job to flesh out "what is true and good and strong and worthy about MY communication?"

does that mean it's going to be aggressive? not necessarily. does that mean it's perfect? no. but is it clear what exactly is needing to be expressed? yes. is it always going to have a pleasurable response? no. is it possible to express emotions and have a pleasurable response? absolutely!

i highly recommend making a list of your own metrics for great communication and the things you need to do to accomplish it.

if you need help getting clear on that, DM me :)

today I have been reflecting on my privilege to live how I want to - stemming from how I communicate.

i perpetually believe in using that privilege not to EVER say the world is going to shit and spread negativity.
having privilege to me means I live my life with the utmost respect and reverence to what others are tirelessly working for - one of those things being the ability to reclaim, develop, and fiercely use their voice.
i will use my energy to create solutions.

the solution i have been developing a system for for the past 6 years is a holistic communication approach called The Spec Method.

communication = self empowerment.

not inflated, egoistical, bullying, manipulative communication. we know what that looks like.

rather, it is connected, balanced, deep, honest, integral, consistent communication.

so,
im now offering discounted hour long sessions to those who want to improve their communication skills immediately. $75 for an hour.

i've been wanting to do this for a long time and finally can. ****DM me directly to get the specific link. I'm not making this accessible to everyone yet.

i've been testing my strategy for being able to improve communication skills in an hour or less.

the basic framework:
- identity obstacle
- explore and regulate emotions
- creating energetic boundaries
- role play the experience to integrate
- create custom strategy for maintenance

these sessions are open to ALL. anyone who wants to try it!!!

to either improve self talk, prepare for a difficult conversation, or simply feel more empowered to communicate authentically.

this is what I have to offer the world. this is my hearts work.

i hope you take me up on the offer! :)

photos by @nahla.arw 🤍

there's no use in rushing or resisting the inevitable.

all that has transpired since November has felt inevitable. the endings and beginnings alike held the key to the next moments, events, people, places, emotions, and actions that took place. all of it was purposeful to how I feel now. and how do I feel now? at ease and also invigorated at what it feels like to trust the universe. to trust my inner hearts secret transformation. to be held by myself and through the pain and blurry eyes.

with every breakdown my inner sight renewed. wings reclaimed. sometimes walking calmly and boldly with my head held high and my typical sense of humor - making light-hearted commentary on the paradoxical nature of the cosmos. other times slow heavy tears fall in an unending stream down my face.
I say "ouch" out loud and clutch my heart.

"I do not want to feel like this."

and another more wise part of myself simply knows I must feel this. feel it to move it.

what a joy and equally a burden to have that dual sensation. those dual voices. and I'm reminded that nothing is exactly what it appears. roots are not always seen. nothing exists in isolation. it is a privilege to have the space to reflect like this. to have the safety in my mind, body, and soul to ponder my thoughts and feelings as I do. to try to make sense of my own human condition and become more sturdy in it so I can do the work that is most important to me. to take the space to learn how to not be emotionally reactive. to be doing exactly what I'm called to do.

think carefully. speak slowly. inquire within.

shift painful experiences into deeper contributions to my life experience.

and then refine. as evolution always does 🦋

uncage your heart. free your heart. let it be wild.

for the longest time I have not known what this means, nor could i grasp how to do it. only recently am I learning that it requires me to feel my sadness. ive tried to present and pretend that I'm not sad because I don't want people to think I'm sad, broken, a disappointment. .but why not? it's real and it's universal and I should show my sad heart with just as much pride and reverence. i don't only need to show my heart only when it's firey and light. i can show it when it doesn't understand what's going on. when I feel I've lost something. when it changes how I see the world and myself. when it makes me question my life path.

my sad heart holds equal potential for expansion as a joyful heart. they are one in the same.

and I think what I can do for the world is show how dynamic things can be...how living from the heart can be inconsistent but that's the truth, and transcend the superficial... because if we're going to work together to create a world where people aren't pretending, masking, and covering up their truth, we need to see it to believe it. we need to see fluctuations, normalize the way cycles in women influences how we interact with the world, and learn to respect the rhythms in each other. and we do this by learning it with ourselves.

i don't believe anyone needs to be 100% anything to create a better life for themselves and others.

beautiful photo by @nahla.arw

it's hard to explain the awareness of knowing what I want to do, and what it will require of me to do it

and the pain of feeling like I can't meet that.

I look to the mirror, look at myself and feel the beauty of all of my existence and also the inflated disappointment of what I imagine myself to be unrealized.
the same thing with a journal. I open it up to a blank page, pen in hand I imagine myself writing profound ideas, springing from the pages and I simply get to enjoy the process. and just like with the mirror I imagine myself doing things that do not come to fruition when I'm actually doing them. what is this?

what is this thing happening to me that I expect so much of myself, and sometimes have no gauge on what is reasonable and realistic?

it is perhaps the double-edged sword of knowing that I can control my thoughts and actions, and not having control of them. perhaps that I know too much and too little at the same time. they are in conflict with each other. I criticize myself for what I don't know. I praise myself for being curious and wanting to know. I exhaust myself by searching in order to know. and all the while it's possible I've actually neglected myself. the very Being doing all the searching and seeking and looking and writing and connecting.
why have I done this? and the searching cycle begins again.

but every time I ask myself that or feel inspired to ask, I get new insights.
because I was curious. because someone else told me to. because someone was doing it and it looked interesting and inspiring to me so I tried it. because my intuition said to and I was drawn to it. because I read it in a book once many years ago it's never left me. part of me feels like my mission in life, this purpose that I have, is to think of these things. way more than necessary. to bring them to the forefront of my mind and examine them. not always with the power of the objectivity.

sometimes it's necessary to take something so personally that it ruins me. and that is what it's function was. that is what I was meant to learn.

how to hold myself in my ruins.

photos by @nahla.arw

"the universe will never give you peace in a place you were never meant to settle in"

Mexico City has been nice in many ways but ive been absolutely unable to relax. I came here to be with my partner who was on his own journey, and after the past week, it's clear that this was an important part of his journey but it is not part of mine. at some point, going a long with it felt unbearable - especially with the fires in LA. i couldn't stomach sitting around a city I wasn't even enjoying, feeling shame that I'm not enjoying it, while a place I love is in need. so Friday I decided I am leaving to go to volunteer, and have communicated extensively to make it happen. i had to make that choice whether my partner came with me or not. it is so fucking hard to face redirection from the universe...my intuition, guides, or just straight admitting to myself that I'm unhappy and fully listening to that redirection. it's okay to give it a chance. it's not okay to keep giving it a chance out of shame and obligation. i was losing myself, and I just got here! i SHOULD have been excited and invigorated. its because the body is SO smart - I am proud I accomplished so much to get here, and I'm more proud I am leaving. a little crazy? yeah, definitely.

we did a temezcal ceremony (sweat lodge) on Saturday and I prayed for guidance on what to do, how to help, how to listen. what good is doing all this praying and asking if I actively ignore the messages? i believe so deeply in communication with others, but i cannot neglect the communication with myself. as much as I try to have those on the same page, sometimes they won't be. the pain of miscommunications and not being in harmony is enough to ignore the inner voice and callings, but that's a boundary I have to have with myself.

i am doing no one favors by abandoning myself.

i notice when I don't abandon myself, I am more clear, potent, and capable of doing the hard things that need to be done - which in this case, was communicate my way into volunteering for the next 2 weeks as much as possible before the Peru trip.

random share, but I think it's important to say that it's always possible to come "back to oneself" 🤍

i feel so far from it all now. from the noise and illusion i was living in. i called myself a coach, i desired to find something that helped people that was universal, i sunk so deep into communication coaching... but i was lost in it. i was lost in the idea of serving others at the expense of myself, or at the expense of being myself, being a righteous thing.

my truth is, it's always felt far away. i've always felt disconnected from the statement "I want to help people" because I have never believed people need help - I believe people are immensely capable of making choices in their lives that are in their own best interest. they don't need me barking at them about confidence and communication and how to live this way or that way - the truth is I don't know what anyone needs. and quite frankly I'm exhausted from trying to make what I think they need be what they need and have them pay me for it. i can't do this model anymore. things need to change.
i don't think I'm alone, but it's really hard to break away.
im not recommending a one way ticket to Mexico...but I'm not NOT saying that lol.

i am on this trip not to find out what I'm meant for, but to lay down my sword and step away from positioning myself as someone who needs to do something grand and recognized. i just want to write a good book, and listen.
no explaining, no coaching, no fixing.

i need only be good to others and do things that I love doing - and if by doing this, people feel inspired, so be it! but it is not because I tried to make something happen out of nothing.

i want to rest. i want to enjoy simply living for a while. i want to release myself from the binds of making something of my life that I don't feel absolutely connected to.

i think doing these things... loving my life just as it is. loving my self just as I am. and loving my partner just as he is. talking to strangers. seeing different countries and ways of living....it is not aimless and irresponsible.

it is the bravest thing I've ever done.
i am proud of my accomplishment of stopping.

couldn't have sent her off any other way.

roam well and roam often, @bow.chica.rara ✨

i had been afraid of my demons catching up to me when I stopped in Flagstaff to do kung fu last year.

and oh boy they did come for me. last year was so fucking difficult. my mentor passed away, my extremely difficult long distance relationship was crumbling, and I had 2 friends and losing others. i was at rock bottom - I didn't know it but looking back, I was.
but this year?
i was determined to make friends and do new things:
i made some of the best female friends I've ever had.
i backpacked in the grand canyon.
i started a tai chi practice.
i took sooooooo many van adventures with friends.
i did a sassafras ceremony that began my womb healing.
i began a relationship with my best friend in the world.
i quit a job that opened in me a passion for yoga.
i swam and prayed in Oak Creek more than I can count.
i volunteered at a farm on the Navajo reservation.
i did sweat lodges and finally understood how to pray.
i listened to old Navajo women gossip just as much as they prayed 🤣
i mushroom foraged for the first time.
i painted and almost took a job teaching it.
i did a rage ceremony with 8 other women.
i went to a city council meeting to learn more about local government.
i hosted an in person workshop called confident confrontation that 15 people came to! 😭

and boy did I ecstatic dance my way through the grief and pain this year held.

yes, the demons caught up to me. and they almost got the best of me. but love and gratitude for the small, every day things will always be available to me to ground. the trees are always there to teach me steadiness. the wind is there to teach me detachment. the moon is there to teach me what is hidden. the sun is there to teach me power is to be respected. and my body is always here to teach me I am much more intelligent I could ever dream of being.

I learned to not underestimate a few things this year:
the power of staying in one place.
there is a very specific joy in female friendship.
the magic of a landscape I can build a relationship with.
that people that are worth getting to know over time.
and the magic of transformation through ordinary experiences

...it is not so ordinary.

it is exceptional 🤍

maybe not the most Christmas-y post, but when reflection hits i gotta go for it.
van living was many amazing things - but something I didn't think it would be was lonely. they warn you about spending time alone on the road, but not in the way I experienced it. not through the lense of despair.

my first year was a flurry of adventures. Sedona, Moab, Oregon, Washington, San Diego, Colorado, Southern Arizona...i have definitely lost count of the cities and places I've been to.

but after a friend breakup, I had a much different experience.

i made the choice to be alone in my van most of the time and work over van gatherings and seeing new places. i still made friends and i connected with people as best I could, but honestly, I was a shell of a person. so sad and my heart was heavy. i completely lost who i was in confusion.

depression in the van was only slightly different than depression in a house. the difference is wheels.
but the inner and outer loneliness and uncertainty of my place in the world is the same.

i am ready to leave behind that sadness and fear of aloneness. the sadness of losing a friend that has been over my head for two years but it cannot control me anymore. this is important because i need to absorb it's power in order to do new things and be unafraid to do them alone so I can be free. i will be able to be fully present and open doing things with others when I am not fearful of doing things alone. i don't know if that makes total sense but to me it's a "the only way out is through" kind of shadow work.
i have to face the shadow that was cast over my self trust, understand it, and step into it.

my lesson here: step into the fear of doing things alone in order to truly enjoy the pleasure of companionship.

we are all shaped by, but so much more than our painful experiences 🤍

I need to stop worrying about knowing the "right place" to start. the most important thing to do is to begin answering the questions that tug at my heart.
what matters so deeply to me that I can't ignore?
what do I feel compelled to share even if no one will listen?
the more breakdowns I have, unearthing stagnant crap and stories, the next day I feel an intense clearing and it's easier - it's more obvious to me what I'm driven by and these questions that feel most compelling to answer.

what are your most interesting questions?

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